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The Cimmerian fighter is rebooted, .. in 3D, and… overall just absolutely awful. CONAN THE BARBARIAN has so much potential but it falls short, way short, in fact I consider this one of the worst films I’ve seen this year but I don’t blame Jason Momoa because he’s got the physique and the attitude for this role, I blame this hyborian catastrophy on the filmmakers especially poor directing by Marcus Nispel. I know most of you out there thought Green Lantern movie was terrible, wait til you see CONAN THE BARBARIAN..
The most legendary Barbarian of all time is back this Summer. Having thrived and evolved for eight consecutive decades in the public imagination- in prose and graphics, on the big screen and small, in games and properties of all kinds- Conan’s exploits in the Hyborian Age now come alive like never before in a colossal 3D action-adventure film.
A quest that begins as a personal vendetta for the fierce Cimmerian warrior soon turns into an epic battle against hulking rivals, horrific monsters, and impossible odds, as Conan realizes he is the only hope of saving the great nations of Hyboria from an encroaching reign of supernatural evil.
As an action fan, nothing pisses me off more than fight sequences that aren’t well-choreographed, and on top of that not well-shot. It’s pretty bad when the only decent fight in CONAN THE BARBARIAN is when young Conan brutally kills nasty lookin’ enemies in the deep winter forest,.. everything goes downhill from that point on.
Now I didn’t grow up reading Robert E. Howard’s stories so I’m sure those of you die hard fans of Conan mythology out there would be more able to make the comparison but I think it doesn’t take a genius to know that even Howard’s fans would even be disgusted and insulted by this version. It’s a disappointment of barbaric proportions.
I think this project was doomed the moment Nispel was chosen as the director. Pathfinder and Friday The 13th reboot should’ve given everyone the red flag. He has little to no care in his works, as if his attention for details would only go so far.
I think CONAN THE BARBARIAN would’ve been a decent reboot if it had been handled by a filmmaker who’s not mediocre, whose work is not half-ass and who could deliver scenes that aren’t inconsistent, choppy, and A-D-D.
The writing, o the writing, it makes me wanna pull my hair out and I don’t even have enough hair anymore. This is essentially a revenge story that sadly is filled with unnecessary time-wasting moments and bad dialogue.
I was looking forward to Stephen Lang as Khalar Zym but dull doesn’t begin to describe his character. He’s just not intimidating enough. Rose McGowan as sorceress Marique puts ‘creep’ in creepy. Don’t get me wrong, I think Rachel Nichols is ridiculously cute but her role as the monk Tamara who eventually becomes some sort of female warrior, is about as convincing as James Franco playing a Scientist in Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes, which makes both tough to watch.
I think Jason Momoa is still the right man for this role, though it does feel like you’re watching Khal Drogo The Barbarian but I’m just hoping that this movie would make enough money to grant itself a sequel which hopefully would be directed by somebody who knows what he’s doing, so that we would get a CONAN movie that would make us completely forget about this shitty installment, which by the way makes the Arnold’s version in the ’80s look Oscar worthy.
Certain action flicks could work just fine without having a solid quality story like The Dark Knight, for example, because let’s face it, we the fans would come to watch CONAN THE BARBARIAN to see him slay a bunch of baddies mercilessly. So before the screening, I was willing to tolerate the possibility that this film’s story and character may be its weakest links, just as long as it’s got some satisfying, bloody R-rated graphic violence, but even that was a big fail.
GRADE: 1 out of 5
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